Started by CanaryTan, February 01, 2011, 09:38:53 pm
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Quote from: Chocofreak13 on February 01, 2011, 09:59:38 pmforgive me if i sound harsh. art school gives you the ability to sound incredibly encouraging and incredibly mean at the same time. i'm trying to be the former.having the transition from text/action to 1st-person narration start so abruptly takes away from the story before it even gets started. the beginning is sweet, but then there's that giant brick wall in your face due to the sudden transition. you might have the opening scene, then have the explanation in another paragraph. (upon rereading it i realize what made it so abrupt. you instantly went from 3rd to 1st person.......which is too weird for words. most books only involve one form of narration, usually 1st person, 3rd person direct or 3rd person omniscient. maybe you haven't learned this yet, but maybe get a head start by studying up and then use it to improve. and until you get to the point when you're so comfortable with writing that you wake up with new screen plays next to your pillow and a massive headache, try to stay away from using more than one form of narration. ik i'm not comfortable with it. :[ )i'm assuming this was meant for the reader who knows nothing about what os-tan are.other than that confusion of the sudden change of narrative form, i think it's a good opening. ^^but still, you might want to make a new paragraph for the introductions. that's what i'd do anyway. :\@kraus: the slashfic thread is a CONTEST thread, not an experimental thread. :\
Quote from: CanaryTan on February 01, 2011, 09:53:47 pmI am Homeko, the personification of windows xp home edition. Saseko, my sister, is the personification of windows xp pro. There are much more like us. You can call all of us the 'OS-Tans'. We all live in one house. Saseko is getting another master, so she's pretty excited.