OS-tan Collections

OS-tan discussions => OS-tan Fan-Fics, Comics and Fan-Stuff => Topic started by: CanaryTan on February 01, 2011, 09:38:53 pm

Title: Computer Persona
Post by: CanaryTan on February 01, 2011, 09:38:53 pm
Ffff- I wrote this in english so forgive me if it's terrible.

"I remember that sunny day, magical games that we used to play!" Saseko sang. Homeko walked in on Saseko dancing and singing 'Hare Hare Yukai'.
"Um...Your memory is ready Saseko..." said Homeko. Ok, before we go on, let me explain this. I am Homeko, the personification of windows xp home edition. Saseko, my sister, is the personification of windows xp pro. There are much more like us. You can call all of us the 'OS-Tans'. We all live in one house. Saseko is getting another master, so she's pretty excited.

that's all i got. opinions?
Title: Re: Computer Persona
Post by: Chocofreak13 on February 01, 2011, 09:59:38 pm
forgive me if i sound harsh. art school gives you the ability to sound incredibly encouraging and incredibly mean at the same time. i'm trying to be the former.

having the transition from text/action to 1st-person narration start so abruptly takes away from the story before it even gets started. the beginning is sweet, but then there's that giant brick wall in your face due to the sudden transition. you might have the opening scene, then have the explanation in another paragraph. (upon rereading it i realize what made it so abrupt. you instantly went from 3rd to 1st person.......which is too weird for words. most books only involve one form of narration, usually 1st person, 3rd person direct or 3rd person omniscient. maybe you haven't learned this yet, but maybe get a head start by studying up and then use it to improve. and until you get to the point when you're so comfortable with writing that you wake up with new screen plays next to your pillow and a massive headache, try to stay away from using more than one form of narration. ik i'm not comfortable with it. :[ )

i'm assuming this was meant for the reader who knows nothing about what os-tan are.

other than that confusion of the sudden change of narrative form, i think it's a good opening. ^^

but still, you might want to make a new paragraph for the introductions. that's what i'd do anyway. :\

@kraus: the slashfic thread is a CONTEST thread, not an experimental thread. :\
Title: Re: Computer Persona
Post by: Dr. Kraus on February 01, 2011, 10:53:05 pm
Quote from: Chocofreak13 on February 01, 2011, 09:59:38 pm
forgive me if i sound harsh. art school gives you the ability to sound incredibly encouraging and incredibly mean at the same time. i'm trying to be the former.

having the transition from text/action to 1st-person narration start so abruptly takes away from the story before it even gets started. the beginning is sweet, but then there's that giant brick wall in your face due to the sudden transition. you might have the opening scene, then have the explanation in another paragraph. (upon rereading it i realize what made it so abrupt. you instantly went from 3rd to 1st person.......which is too weird for words. most books only involve one form of narration, usually 1st person, 3rd person direct or 3rd person omniscient. maybe you haven't learned this yet, but maybe get a head start by studying up and then use it to improve. and until you get to the point when you're so comfortable with writing that you wake up with new screen plays next to your pillow and a massive headache, try to stay away from using more than one form of narration. ik i'm not comfortable with it. :[ )

i'm assuming this was meant for the reader who knows nothing about what os-tan are.

other than that confusion of the sudden change of narrative form, i think it's a good opening. ^^

but still, you might want to make a new paragraph for the introductions. that's what i'd do anyway. :\

@kraus: the slashfic thread is a CONTEST thread, not an experimental thread. :\


Bah, sorry! Time to fix what I broke...


Taking in the fact that you are 12 thus in grade 6/7 its quite good.
But there are mistakes that are bothering me a bit!

Quote from: CanaryTan on February 01, 2011, 09:53:47 pm
I am Homeko, the personification of windows xp home edition. Saseko, my sister, is the personification of windows xp pro. There are much more like us. You can call all of us the 'OS-Tans'. We all live in one house. Saseko is getting another master, so she's pretty excited.


This can be written much better, there are too many fragments so lets fix that!
"I am Homeko, the personification of windows xp home edition and Saseko, my sister, is the personification of windows xp pro. There are many more like us, we are called 'OS-Tans' and we all live in one house. Saseko is getting another master soon and she's pretty excited right now."

This is a bit better, but Choco/bells/nejintheoneandonlydemonoverlord should double check this. Try not to make so many fragments within your writing, it can make it hard for the reader to grasp what is going on.

Overall, its a good start and you should build more on this!
Title: Re: Computer Persona
Post by: Chocofreak13 on February 01, 2011, 11:35:26 pm
and please don't switch persons ;__; SO CONFUSING. >__<
Title: Re: Computer Persona
Post by: svx on February 06, 2011, 12:15:57 am
IT'S GOOD

Don't listen to them! Be a rebel. Like me.

In English class, I, uh... wrote... just like I type on the forums.  I ams good writers. And you ams good writers too.
Title: Re: Computer Persona
Post by: Krizonar on February 06, 2011, 01:09:07 am
Yeahs, I write pretty goodly meself SVX.
Title: Re: Computer Persona
Post by: Chocofreak13 on February 06, 2011, 01:12:46 am
имеет потенциал, да. должны быть отполированы. (has potential, yes. must be polished.)