SCRAP PAPER.

Started by NejinOniwa, February 26, 2009, 09:04:36 pm

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NejinOniwa

Hey! That's a wrong! Smokey-kun is the King of OT.

I am the power source of OT everywhere.
YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS

Chocofreak13

well, EXCUSE me, princess.

btw, we actually WROTE SOEMTHING!!! =D

but i'm in the middle of a report on bach (UGH) so i'll post later
:[

NejinOniwa

POAST TOAST PLZ, KTHX.


Also, some stuff coming up. Get yourselves ready >:3

Added after 11 minutes:

ALSO
Link to the APPROVED DOCUMENT I spoke about in the last post:

http://nejinoniwa.co.cc/media/EW1%20-%20Prologue.doc
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Chocofreak13

WTF WINDOWS 97 WORD O________O;

and well....my story's not done yet and i kinda screwed up on part of it so i'll post the first draft once it's done.

oh, and, nejin, AWESOME. SRSLY.

NejinOniwa

97-word?

I though for sure I always told OOo to save it as word/xp...oh, who can tell?

Any particular thoughts, btw?
I'm kinda in grave need of criticism on EW, since I get all the talk I want for my swedish stuff, but almost nothing on what english I write...
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NejinOniwa

Oh, and the next part will most likely be arriving sometime during the weekend (like tomorrow or so). Keep your eyes open for EW chapter 1! It's not entirely freshly baked, as the prologue, so some of the stuff in there is actually barely revised stuff that I wrote in 8th grade (that's 6 years ago! O_O ), but I'll see to that the worst parts are cleaned out before release, so to say.

Added after 26 minutes:

And if anyone cares, new swefag releases are also up.

I'd like it if anyone would /r/ translations on these, because I have little to do.
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Chocofreak13

written, typed and revised. it SUCKS. tell me what ya think. i'd rather get criticism from you guys than my "peers". screw them.

oh, it has no title yet.

your story was descriptive and good. :3 but i was a tad confused for the first few bars due to vagueness on setting. you may want to patch that.

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NejinOniwa

Moo.

The story is somewhat confusing, in that that it's unclear on its setting - albeit I can understand it to part, but I think it would be wise to clarify the supernatural setting of the story earlier. Secondly, the characters seem empty - I would recommend adding a line of thought to whomever is the point-of-view-person (POVP), as to clarify both that and his personality. Descriptivism wouldn't hurt either - you skip much of the details, which can be good in everyday situations, but it's frankly quite impossible to follow such a lead in a story like this. You don't get any sort of description of the characters, aside from the vampire - and his introduction into the story is blunt, very blunt indeed. I'd sharpen that some, and add some additional interaction before they part ways for the first time.

The drama in the shooting scene is somewhat empty as well - it'd be good to do some hinting beforehand that something could easily happen, or the like - as is the tension between the two groups. I'd rather see a more emphasized drama on the vampire's entry, and his actions - and as always, moar descriptiveness.

This may just be me, since I'm all spoiled by the High fiction stuff I read and write, but no supernatural story can imo survive without at least some manner of descriptivism.
YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS

Chocofreak13

oh no, thanks. this is srsly good; i'd rather get stuff from you than my class, at least you're not a jerk like them. when i have more time to revise i'm probably gonna go straight back to that post.

and to address some of your concerns:
the setting is vague on purpose. these characters come from a tabletop rpg, and since i don't travel much and thus have no reference, i usually keep setting limited to "city! go!" or at least don't give a specific locale.

i admit that the "drama" scene was a bit abrupt. i'm gonna have to give more thought on how to introduce it.

you're sure that the excess paragraphs weren't too much fodder? i'm worried that my hack of a teacher it gonna cross out half of it and force me to submit it that way.

one of the reasons for lack of descrpit, setting, ect. is cause i wrote it out in 11 pages, which isn't exactly "short". he's gonna curse about that.

thanx for the "thoughtline" thing tho. i'm gonna use that. :3

any part that you really liked, or does it all suck?

NejinOniwa

You mileage may vary when it comes to the teacher - I know nothing of him, but most teachers I've had have tended to be quite tolerant when it comes to fluff in text, as long as it isn't too obviously fluff for the sake of fluff. Descriptiveness is vital for any text where the setting might be unfamiliar to the reader - what if your teacher doesn't know, for example, what fae are? Or a chimera, for that matter? Any kind of mythos must be described in some manner - it may be vague, but it must be an image. You can leave some of it to the reader, but not everything. No matter how much a slope you make, he can't do anything but walk down it unless you put some snow there - then he might be able to find the sled on his own.

And I have to say I like the setting and concept as a whole; I have some nagging part in my brain telling me I've seen its like before, but mysteriously strange déja-vùs seem to be coming upon me in hordes these days, so I'll be disregarding that notion. Build on it more, make a tangible world in you own imagery - that makes it easier to write.
YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS

Chocofreak13


NejinOniwa

QuoteThe Definition of a Kill

The feeling in my hands, when your blood gushes out, covering them.
No.
The look on your eyes, that turn from panic, to askance, to surprise, to
No.
The last spark, the last shot of power fired by your neurons thinking "is it over yet"
No.
When all resistance has faded, and no matter how alive you are, you don't care anymore.
You don't want it.
When the gift of life is turned to a curse
When the only thing that defines your being is your single thought
End me, end me.
Being killed is no longer a definition of afterlife
But a state of mind.


Journal entry, 12:23 PM: Dryad, stolen. I took her. We are
we.


I need considerably less of this psychotic fallout.
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Chocofreak13

nice. gothic, bloody, gorey, tragic, dark. I FUCKING LOVE IT. OwO

NejinOniwa

That's what my face looked like afterwards too...

INB4CRIESBLOOD

Added after 24 seconds:

or wait.

In DURING Nejin cries blood, more liek.
(now a meme!)
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Chocofreak13

*pat pat* is nejin becoming an emo? be careful, you're becoming sexier by the second, if that's possible. ^^