Started by NejinOniwa, February 26, 2009, 09:04:36 pm
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QuoteThe CollectorbyMutually Assured DysfunctionThe scene opens with friends AL and TOM playing a video game.AL:Oh, hohohoho here it comes... Tiger Genocide! In yo' face! In yo' face!TOM:Man, whatever, this is bullshit.AL:Dude, you're just mad 'cos I beat that ass!TOM:Whatever, I was beating your ass until you bitched to have Sagat unbanned.AL:Well now who's bitching? That's right I won, you didn't, ha!Phone ringsHold on a second man, man. (Answering phone) Hello?CALLER:Hello, is Alan Stanley there?AL:Um, who is this?CALLER:This is Mr. Craven from Dawg Collections, the collection agency representing Arkham University on your outstanding balance of $20. I need to know if you are able to take care of this past due bill at this time.AL:Oh. (Hangs up)TOM:Who was that?AL:I don't know, some bill collector from the university or something.TOM:Well it's getting late and some of us have jobs...AL:(Jokingly) Yeah, get the fuck outta my office.TOM:(Laughing) More like cubicle, later. (Exits)AL:(Shouting down the hallway) Come back when you're ready for another ass-whoppin'. (Closes door, grabs bag of microwavable pork rinds, throws them in microwave, starts keying in the settings) Gonna have me some pork rinds! Unh, yeah! And some... heart disease! Yeah... the fuck?! Seems like an odd thing to...Phone rings(Answering phone) Yo!CALLER:Hello, is...AL:No! (Hangs up) Hopefully that'll be it, I don't have anything for those shitheads...Phone rings(Answering phone) Listen asshole!CALLER:No you listen, you little bitch! If you hang up on me again I'll gut you like a fish, understand!AL:Is this some kind of joke?CALLER:More of a game really... Can you handle that BALDIE?!AL:(Visibly shocked) Are you stalking me? Where the hell are you?CALLER:(Laughing) Do you really wanna know?AL:What the hell do you want?CALLER:I told you that already - I'm calling to collect on your debt!AL:Listen you, I'm unemployed and I live in a cramped studio apartment that my parents pay for - what am I going to pay you with, patheticalness?CALLER:YOU PAY MONEY, NOW!AL:Gah! (Hangs up)The pork rinds left in the microwave suddenly explode, making a gunshot-like sound(Ducking for cover) SHIT! (Realizing that it was just the microwave) The fuck?! Damn microwave never works right!Phone ringsSonnovabitch! (Answering phone) I already told you dammit!GIRL CALLER:I was only calling to see if you wanted me to come over and cook something and I was thinking of giving you a blowjob. You're such a prick, Al!AL:Baby wait, I'm sorry...GIRL CALLER:I don't want to hear it! (Hangs up)AL:Dammit!Phone rings(Answering phone) Oh baby, I'm so sorry...CALLER:Try again. (Laughs)AL:You again? Shit.CALLER:Just give me what I want and this will all be over, but if you don't...AL:You'll what?! You've already cost me a hot meal and a night with my fellatrix - I don't see how you could make things any worse for me...Power goes outDAMN! (Audibly worried) Well, that's just great... goddamn superintendent was supposed to install a fucking backup generator. The fuck is going on?!Power flickers back onPhone rings, AL picks it upCALLER:Now do you see that I mean business?AL:(Audibly shaken) Yes, certainly.CALLER:YOU PAY MONEY, NOW!AL:I've already told you that I have no income. Would you accept some other form of payment, (Glaring at microwave) overcooked pork rinds, perhaps?CALLER:I think not, but how about we work out some sort of "physical arrangement"?AL:(Gulps) Umm, I don't think I wanna do that.CALLER:No one ever does, initially, but you'll learn to like it. Hey, you live in room 411, right?AL:NOOOOOO! (Hangs up)Steps can be heard nearer and nearer the door until a mysterious figure knocks at the doorAL:(Cowering behind the bar, murmuring to himself) Shit, I forgot to lock the door!Door opens revealing it is TOM who has been knockingTOM:(Peering around the bar) Great hiding spot, man. (Laughs)AL:Wait, so you're saying it was you the whole time? (Sighs) You got me good, man.TOM:(Laughing) You are such a gullible bitch, man. I think you've been watching too many slasher flicks.AL:(Indignant) So hold on, it's your fault I didn't get a blowjob?!Bitchfight ensues a la Beavis & Butthead until the phone rings which AL then picks upCALLER:YOU PAY MONEY, NOW!AL is left with a puzzled expressionEND SCENE
Quote from: "NejinOniwa"WHY SO /WHITE?
QuoteOther than that, quite interesting. Sounds quite much like something out of a tv series, but you can't really place the genre due to everything jumping around all over the place. The girl call puts a lol twist to it as well, lol -w-;
QuoteThe way you ended it is twisty, making the reader expect a followup; however, it could've been better done. Mostly, the end expression being "confused" isn't something you'd think of as ideal; it's generally more useful in the middle of things. Try to think of a better choice of words, or you can change it to something else.
QuoteAnother downside with making the thing script-style is that you can't get too much "inside" the characters; you can't hear their thoughts, and so on. That makes the macho man - who doesn't show much on the outside - a very dull figure emotionally. Dunno how to solve this well, but remember that.
QuoteI'll see if I find anything else on it; otherwise, GJ. Interesting and good read, man!