Is death the only true way out?
If there is not after life, then hell, I'd kill myself, I hate playing this "game" of living. I really do. After much thought, I've boiled my optioions down to two things, 1) kill my self, 2) kill the selected.
Read my PM, panda-san.
It is like what Capt. said, " I think you become happy by making the best of what you got." Yea, I am. Rugby is fun. But I don't want to live. But don't think of me as a emo-kid, I do my work, I don't cause trouble, I don't do drugs.
Maybe some Pot would help then? A few hours of Blissful Mind Expansion is not always a bad thing, when used in MODERATION.
I infact keep a small supply as a Pain killer. Had a migrane the other night, and I know no Meds touch it, Works great for that.
May I ask what brought on these feelings of self dislike? Maybe you should consider seeing a doc about them, could be a sign of something else not working right? Maybe it's a sign of depression
I don't do drugs. None at all, no advil or any thing.
I don't know where the fillings of "self dislike" come form. And I'm not going to see a "doc" about it.
I don't know why I feel compelled to say anything at this point, though I imagine that it has something to do with the fact that I've walked down the same road you're walking right now. I won't go into any of the sordid details here - if you really want to hear my story, you can always IM me and ask about it. In the meantime, some advice from my perspective:
Quote from: "panda"But I don't want to live.
There is a difference between not wanting to live, and not wanting to die. Right now you strike me as being right on the line that separates the two. While you may not wish to live any longer, you don't really wish that you were dead. People who cross that line are the people who actually go through with their plans and end their own lives. That you're still posting here tells me that you haven't crossed that line - yet.
Quote from: "panda"I don't know where the fillings of "self dislike" come form. And I'm not going to see a "doc" about it.
Perhaps I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm going to suggest that the root of these issues stems from an identity crisis of a considerable magnitude. While most all young adults go through an identity crisis of one sort or another, what scant evidence I have to judge suggests that this problem is not within the usual tolerances, particularly if this has been happening over an extended duration. This would likely breed these feelings of self-resentment and alienation you mention. There is very likely a part of this picture that I cannot see, however - so don't take my words as the gospel.
I won't try to convince you to talk to a doctor about your problems, as it isn't my place - however, I do feel that you should turn your search for counseling away from the Internet and relate your experiences with a trustworthy adult. Human-to-human contact is the first step in breaking the cycle of torment you're going through and keeping yourself from crossing that line.
While I could say much more on this subject, I think it would only overcomplicate what I am trying to say. Nonetheless, if you have questions or need clarifications, feel free to contact me via Y!M or AIM - my contact information is readily available.
Let me enlighten you to the world of panda and the history of the world of panda.
I moved from my (country) home town when I was 10, to a city, BIG diffrence. Got in a fight and almost got espeled from elementary school (this is also the time that I think my slight rasicim comes from because I was herashed by a Black teacher, who later became priciple at a school which was in a law suit because of teachers herashing their students.) Of corse being told "your a bad kid", and "stop being so difficult" etc. Made me depressed. I tried to comit suircide two times. Then I when to Jr. High, VERY slowly made a few friends. Then I moved agian but only for six months and moved back (it was in thoughs six months that I decided to google "sex change"). A few months ago I tryied to comite suircide agian, but I called a friend to let him know. --gota go more later--
I know how you feel. I used to contemplate suicide, especially when things aren't going my way or when I felt depressed, thinking that the world might be better off without me. I had also felt that I had no purpose, that it was pointless for me to go on living.
But all of that is false!
I can't go into great detail right now, but there are several things that hold me back when ever I start thinking suicide.
1. Religion.
I happen to be very religious, since I was brought up in a really religious family. Plus there was this certain retreat I went on at the beginning of my senior year, but that's confidential.
So there are two basics about the religion aspect: first is that if you kill yourself you sin and go to hell where you will be suffering for eternity. When you think about it, if you feel like you are suffering now, think how it would be like in hell. Secondly is the knowledge that God forgives and is mercyful. Even though you or I may pray for who knows what to make our lives better, and God doesn't answer, there must be a good reason why he would or would not act. Like asking for a brand new car would be a bit unreasonable. The knowledge that he is there watching us and that if anything bad would happen to us, we would be compensated a hundredfold in heaven. If there is someone here on earth that is being bad to you, just remember that "karma" will get him later in life. Also, another thought comes to mind. If God had intended for you or I to die whenever we attempted to take our lives, then we wouldn't be here. You and I are still living because there is still a purpose for us in our lives, there is a reason God is keeping us alive.
---
I'll stop there with my religious preaching. But if you think of it without attaching it with a specific religion, save for a believe in the existence of a supreme being, then it would still make sense.
---
2. Humans are built to survive.
Most "techniques" to kill yourself will most likely fail 90 to 99 percent of the time. The only way to successfully die is to die naturally or get killed by someone else. Let start with drowning. It is an automatic human reaction to try to get oxygen. While attempting to drown yourself, you would end up passing out, and end up floating to the surface. How about overdose? Even if you think you might be taking too much, your body will end up regurgitating whatever you took. You'll come out with something like a really bad headache or hangover. Slashing yourself? Unrealistic. It's a stereotype way to kill yourself, but you would be better off chopping your whole hand off with a butcher's knife. (not that I'm advocating chopping your hand off) You won't be able to lose enough blood from just slashing yourself. You might just pass out from loss of blood for all we know.
---
Those are just a few possibilites why your own body will automatically keep you from killing yourself.
---
3. Society
You try to kill yourself and fail. They send you either to juvi, a mental institution, rehab, or even jail. Enough said.
---
I keep thinking to myself that if I tried killing myself, but fail and have to be sent to jail, I would choose to stay out of jail.
---
Kinda went on a tangent.
From my personal experiences, I whenever I would feel depressed, I would frequent many of those self-help websites, teen depression websites, teen suicide websites, and many others. And many of the places have some really good advice.
In the end, just always keep in mind that there is a purpose for you and your life will just get better as time goes on. Probably this just isn't your time. If you kill yourself now, you'll never know if life will end up turning even better for you in the future.
If you need someone to talk to, just feel free to IM me. I frequently act like my friends and classmates' peer counselor and talk to them and give them advice.
AIM: aegis00010
Quotechopping your whole hand off with a butcher's knife. (not that I'm advocating chopping your hand off)
i thought about that, then I thought that living with out a hand would be very hard, so I've decided to chop my right pinky off. . . I have yet to find a sharp knife.
I'll continue my story
A few months ago I tryied to comite suircide agian, but I called a friend to let him know. He freaked out and ran to my house, and stoped me. My parents threated to make me see a counsular, i have yet to see one, if I didn't "get better". I'm still in the mood I've always been in. (except to night I'm pissed because after rugby practice, which was in freezing rain and a very wet fiuld, I was forgotten for an HOUR in freezing rain that just got worse and worse.)
*hugs Panda* First and Foremost you need a Hug in real Life, Go get Hugged
Then Maybe talk to someone about whats going through your head. You seem like Nice people, and i would Hate to lose another nice person in the world
QuoteYou seem like Nice people
What?! "you" is for one person, and "people" is for more then 1 person. . . Are you saying I'm more then 1 person?
Any who, I don't like to be touched. or touch things.
It's a saying from my part of the world, it actually refers to just one person.
Why don't you like being touched?
I don't really know. I was not touched as a kid, except for "disiplinary action", and it feels weird to be touched by people.
That would be why then, Might explain some of the problems you are having now. I take it your parents never really showed you any form of Love or respect have they? I'm not trying to blame your parents here, But showing love to a Child from the Start helps to keep them well grounded in life.
pffft.
Humanity is weak. I hate my humanity, and its stupid emotions and feelings, and such.
Ok, now you sound like A Former Room mate of mine. He was Creepy as hell, and Wanted to Build a Android to meet all his sexual needs. Hell he even had Blue Prints of it, and had most of the Parts for the physical contruction priced.
sexual needs are part of humanity. its sick.
I honestly can't think of a response to that. I guess I enjoy my Humanity too much
Why do you enjoy your humanity?
Because it lets me know I'm alive, Sure we all have Pain in our Lives. But the Pain allows us to see the Joy when it happens. and With out Joy we wouldn't know pain. The Contrasts are what make life Intresting. Have you every Enjoyed something simple, such as a Sunrise with a Loved one?
Or Mourned the Death of a Loved one? Both are just different sides of the same coin.
Quotea Sunrise with a Loved one?
Or Mourned the Death of a Loved one?
Love is a emotion that is part of humanity, I've tried to sever humanity off from me. I've never really been attached to any one.
That will change with time. I was like that once
I used to say the same things, Panda - and worse than just saying them, I believed them. Over time, those beliefs became more and more corrupt, to the point that my disgust for Humanity was replaced with an all-out hatred for it. That hatred drove me to acts of unspeakable cruelty and malice towards the people around me...and in the end it almost cost me my own life and the life of seventy-nine other people.
Panda, you need to stop trying to justify your behavior. You are sick, and your life is going to continue being miserable until you work up the resolve to do something about it.
I never said I was miserable. And I'm not sick, I'm sick from your point of view. But don't get me wrong, as thought I disslike humanity, I respect the people who like it.
Ayromek, Panda doesn't seem sick to me, Just in need of someone who will Love and care for him. He needs Time to find what he wants out of life. Patience can do good things.
Your rare, most people think I'm sick.
Nothing wrong with a Healthy distaine for Life, that is what allows Great leaders to make some of the Choices they have to make. But knowing when you have gone to far over that line is the tricky part
It makes me uncomfterable, people that don't think I'm sick.
I hate my self. I hate this body, its fat, too big, too weak. I hate this human body.
Then agian, this might be my humanity crying for help.
thats what it sounds like. Maybe Exercise Might help you improve your self image?
exercise won't do any thing except get rid of fat. I'm 6'2" and one of the strongest people in my age group.
Then How does that make you to Weak? and 6'2", Sweet lady Bast, you have 2 inchs on me.
Its a frail little Disgusting human body.
Quote from: "panda"disscustion
I beleive you Mean Disgusting here
And How old are you? If you are the Strongest one in your age group that should be something to be Proud of. I'm also starting to get the impression that you get picked on a little. I know this will sound Tired and over used, but Sticks and stones may Break your bones, but names can't hurt you. If you learn to Ignore them, they will eventually Ignore you. They pick on you to get a Rise out of you. If you don't react it gets boring for them. and if one of them still keeps doing it, all his/her "friends" will start to ignore them as well
My age is not important. And I'm not a hot head undesiplined human.
you think that u look bat and all that stuff? Thats a bad thing that society had input too much in our minds. It seems that if we are not close to an "steriotipe", we ain't that good. Sure, lotsa people looks u just from ur outside, but they are lots of people too who care for something MUCH more important, that is, ur interior. (im one of those). U can be a very ugly person, but if u show to other people some happiness, they may be able to overcome ur exterior. Yes, i KNOW that it works that way, u know why?
Because it's ALWAYS worked. And guess what. It will continue to be like that.
Sure, they are a lot of evil people, but there will be always good one. So first, try to help yourself making yourself a better "interior". Heck, if u have a lot good appearance, but yet a bad "interior" (u feel too bad about yourself), u will be not happy. Yes, yes, its not a thing to be done in a week or two, but IT CAN be done. U say u hate yourself. But i know that people like u one way or another. For example, u said that u had a Great friend. U think that people get TRUE friends just like that? Nope, TRUE friends are because of "something" special on the other person. You (may) don't look it that way now, but PLEASE, THINK ABOUT IT. If u change (note that i say "If u can change" and not "If it would be possible to change". IT IS possible to change, EVEN if u don't see it coming right now.) Look!! Here, on the this VIRTUAL forum, that is mainly for topics so different, there is still people who spend their time trying to making u feel better, or better yet, trying to help u out. Im from far, far away, my native language isn't english, but my good spirit impulses me (and not just me!!) to try to help u out, and to make u see that with HOPE (K.E.Y. W.O.R.D.!!! If u don't have it, u can still work for it!), u indeed can be happier. Wow, that took a lot...
I still don't want to live. And the rifle is looking better each day.
Quote from: "Ayromek"I used to say the same things, Panda - and worse than just saying them, I believed them. Over time, those beliefs became more and more corrupt, to the point that my disgust for Humanity was replaced with an all-out hatred for it. That hatred drove me to acts of unspeakable cruelty and malice towards the people around me...and in the end it almost cost me my own life and the life of seventy-nine other people.
Is it ok if I ask for more info.?
errr panda can i ask what do u expect in death?
like, do u believe that it will get better because u're go to heaven or something like tht?
no, death is death, there is nothing after death. well that's what sceinces is saying, and that's what I belive more then an ancent text.
Ok bro, looks like you are going through some crap I went through when I was young and all depressed as hell. Think about this for a second, all you want is some attention, at this point you could care less if it is good or bad. You should really just realize that regardless of how bad things have been or how bad things are there's always tomorrow, there's always a chance things can get better, if you allow yourself no tomorrow then there will be no chance for things to be better. Death is not the answer, all it does is take your sadness and displace it to your family and friends. In the end all you want is someone to see you and make you feel like you are not all alone, that is in majority the case with those who talk about suicide or attempt suicide. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past and I have developed my own system to where I no longer think such thoughts. It's kind of an arrogant way of thought but I just keep thinking that I am the most powerful force in my life, no one can stop me from accomplishing my goals, I am the single deciding force that determines what happens to me, I am the beginning and the end for myself, my will can climb the tallest mountain or crush it to rubble in one blow. But anyways it all comes down to you, what are you going to do now?
Too soon the killing was over
The stench of death was all that remained
Death he commands in this poison land
Distributing pain
The choking sky, black buzzards fly
Scanning the dead for fresh meat
The roar of battle
Oh, how I cherish the sound
Of splintered shields and bursting bowels
As we trample the town
And then I saw you
You had tears in your eyes
And when we impaled your family I felt I should apologize
errrr... ok then....... hey i want to try this as well
Nothing left, just you and me
Your army have fallen
and you cry for them
All I can do is smile
Then I laugh with joy
I want more
Blood, Pian AND DEATH!!!!
You pull out your gun
I walk towards you, slowly
You're shacking in fear
Show no mercy show no pity
And then I say it
"Lets do this again"
Then I walk away
You screem as loud as you can
You ask yourself
"How many more times, HOW MANY MORE TIMES!!!!!!!!!!
I do not answer just keep walking
You look at your gun
You stop shacking
*BANG*
I look back at you
"This was fun, see you in hell"
You fall to the ground
Blood driping out your body slowly
I continue walking, smiling
I've been many faces, been many names
Known love and hate until they were the same
I bring ruin, am I human?
They think that they know what I know
They think they know what's best
I think that's why they killed me, that's why I joined the SS
Nice try, I cannot die
You blow off my arm I laugh at the pain
And after the battle I feast on the slain
Yes, you see I need your strength, so I can kill the wrong
Yes, you see I need you, so I can snuff the weak
Addicted to violence
I don't care what flag that I choose, I don't care if I win or lose
I don't care if you have to die, just fight without a side, never say die!
Then I tried to drink myself to death
4 hours went by, and drunken I was left
And drunk I was when they caught me
Knowing all the answers to the question I ignore
This time I must stop him
This time he must died
Is this why I fight, is this why I kill
No, there was a time where I was at pace
Where I was free and happy
But that was a lie, he showed me that
He showed me by his gun
He killed the people I loved
He killed the things I cared for
But did not stop
So that is why I raised an army
That is why I'm on this battle field
IT TIME TO FIGHT OUT, IT TIME TO KILL
WHY ARE WE WAITING, WHY IS HE STILL LIVE
The battle goes on for hours and hours
It like it will never end
Some part of me wishes that it goes on forever
But then I stop, I look around the battle has ended
All that is left are bodies with no souls
I SEE HIM
He coming to me towards me
He say something, I say something back
I canââ,¬â,,¢t think, I canââ,¬â,,¢t speak
I donââ,¬â,,¢t want this, your world of hatred and anger
I want it to end
I find something srceeming in me
A voice saying kill.... KIILLLLLLLL HIMMMM
but i don't want tht, i don't want tht
Then i hear a voice, it's death
you did your best, now it time to rest
no i don't to, but i want it to end .. i want it to end
slowly i raise my gun
i watch death come toward me with arms open
BANG
death is no longer there, who's death
i see a man walking away, who is he
your enemy, Kill him
yes, I think your right
KILL HIM
KILL HIM
KILL HIM
yes
yes
hahahahaha
finish !!!!! wirte wirte wirte
i feel i lost the skill of writing, so let write
is this the end?
is this how death feel like?
i stand on the battle field
my hand shacking, with a sword in it
why do i care?
THIS IS IT
death
is this wht i wish for no
i wish for hell
where i can suffer
where i can burn
where i can be skined a live
i wish for suffing
because i let her deid
a swords is stab in lung
i will not die like this
there's only a thousandth
I FOUGHT BILLIONS
i rip the sword out
but many more are stab in
this is it
this is death
NO I WILL NOT DIE HERE
I WILL NOT GO TO HELL IF I DIE HERE
i can't face her in heaven
so i fight AND KEEP ON FIGHTING
they keep coming and they keep dieing
thousanths, millions, billions
just keep fighting till i die
and then i can go to hell
You must die I alone am best.
I hope ya flip some guy the bird
He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve
In front of the Beatles' tour bus
A Bookmobile and a Mack truck
Hauling hazardous biological waste
The light turns red you have no brakes
And "Hard Copy" gets it all on tape
So you can see the look on your face
Die die die die die die die
Die die die die die die die
I hope your Pinto begins to spin
Takes out a disabled Vietnam veteran
Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize winner
And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner
Perhaps even the British Royal Family
And the Rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy
And we can't forget the newlyweds
And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead
I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die
I hope your cellmate thinks he's God
But C.N.N. refer to him as Bowling Ball Bag Bob
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse
Only this time the victim's a Clydesdale horse
While he masturbates to photos of livestock
He does the "Silence Of The Lambs" dance to Christian Rock
Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance"
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince
Die die die die die die die
Die die die die die die die
I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson
And forces you to play a game called Balls On Chin
And whatever happens next is all a blur
But you remember fist can be a verb
And when you finally regain consciousness
You're bound and gagged in a wedding dress
And the prison guard looks the other way
'Cause he's the guy ya flipped the bird the other day
I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die
I hope you die
panda added the following 9 hours 44 minutes after last message :
Sun goes down, bodies on the ground. Swollen
with pus, I shall further expound. As the
vultures swirl, the batons twirl. We've come
for your entrails. And now it's time for death.
And now it's time, Death's mime is rhymed...
Sun comes up bloody pulp. People of your
planet all writhe in muck. Life's a piece of shit,
you are living it. You deserve no less than death.
Time for death, it's to the left. I've gotta smash
my chin 'till I gotta cleft. Time for death, there's
nothing left. I'm gonna rape your world, gonna go
suck cock...And now it's time for death. Your
nipples, expose your breasts. I'll burrow deep into
your chest...Ahh
There's no sun, just a human slum. Leaders
of your people acting really dumb. Flies with
the eyes, guys with the thighs, keeping a watch
on Bilko's pies...
And now it's time for DEATH...
The pain has stopped
My body is numb and weighing me down,
Every nerve shot or ripped out
But the bleeding continues
I feel my lungs are filled with it
This is what I want ââ,¬Â¦ blood
The ground has so much of it
But I want more, why canââ,¬â,,¢t I have more?
The air is thick with mist, it letââ,¬â,,¢s nothing be seen
A reddish mist, full of blood
I see boyââ,¬â,,¢s that turn in to men
And thatââ,¬â,,¢s when I kill them
And I get my wish, more blood ââ,¬Â¦ rivers upon rivers
Then HE comes, on his ââ,¬Å"HIGH HORSEââ,¬Â
Pure black, a black where the light of your soul can be lose in
Its eyes are red, like the fires of hell that await his rider
Why is HE going to hell, for what reason?
I know why, for the sins that I have committed
I was born of him and he was born of me
He comes down, to my level
A cross the battle field he just stands there
Then he lets go of his horse
And says something, at first it does not move
Like it wants to stay, but he does not let it
He takes off its saddle and reins...
And throws them on the floor
Then it slowly rides off, into the abyss of the battle field
I do not care why should I?
I look around, to see who to kill before our battle
WHAT ... he draws his sword?
He will fight me ââ,¬Â¦ now and kill me
I have waited for this ââ,¬Â¦ him or me
He is my enemy one and only
There are none like
He is the reason I kill
He gave me the striat for blood
AAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Fuck him
Lets dead, this is me last battle
I shall kill or be killed
HAHAHAHAHAAAA
He stab me with his sword
Knows that would work, I brake it
Still in me, I continue to fight
I bleed and he bleeds now
We fight for hours, then days then months
Never stopping, till one of us fall
Who time is it to dead
Me
I fall hahhahahhaaaa
And so does he
This is my end
He walks away
Now I can sleep ââ,¬Â¦ forever
Has anyone but me noticed this turned from a suicide note to a lyric/poem competition? :P Well anyway it seemed to have helped at the very least.
no, it really hasn't helped.
u got to say it fun ... O.o
no, not really.
fuck.
fuck fuckfuck fuckfuck
FUCK!
the gun is looking really friendly right now.
My dog is dieing / near death
I'm failing my classes and my parents (and afew teachers) won't stop herashing me about it.
My dad is forcing me to lift weights, play rugby, and take weight lifing classes.
My dad is also REJECTING my TS.
My body hurts and aches (not just stress pains)
I am growing more violent
Parents, for the most part, suck.
Follow your heart and do only what you believe in. Plan a path to get to where you want to be.
I had to put down my dog. She had cancer.
I'm sorry to hear that, panda-san. From what you had told me, however, it didn't come as a surprise. :(
That's not cool -_- My condolences.
my way to stop the game . . .
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v509/PandaMan2/Picture001.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v509/PandaMan2/Picture003.jpg)
o_o
Panda, 2k, Panda-chan. Don't do it. K? Just don't. It's a bad idea.
how come that is always people's first response? even if they don't know the situation, its just "dont' do it".
No one, Shoud Commit Suicide.
Ok...Im risking into posting in a delicate thread, even when my english isn't really good and may cause misunderstandings...but here we go
Quote from: "panda"how come that is always people's first response? even if they don't know the situation, its just "dont' do it".
Well, maybe because many people think that there's nothing so bad that's worth a life.
I can't say that I'm able to fully understand your situation, for I have never been in the same situation as you, so many hard things. I can only try to imagine how you feel However, I can only say that life's worth the pain. Even when there are a lot of hard and harsh things in our lives, you must find a way to go through it, trying to make things better. As someone before me in this thread said, "there's always a tomorrow", things always can get better. That's a good reason to live for, to see a better tomorrow.
Yah, I know, feel free to think that I cant understand you, that I'll never know what you feel, etc...that'd be the second time someone tells me that. A friend of mine also had lots of problems, and he seriously thought about commiting suicide. In the end, he realized that there was nothing so bad that was worth a life. (how? I dont know, I dont have the courage to retake such a delicate topic